Is sex complicating or complementing your relationship?

By Denise Humphrey, Ph.D., www.DeniseHumphrey.com

The tragedy of sexual intercourse is the perpetual virginity of the soul.  ~William B. Yeats

Sex. It unites, and it divides. Sex can be the physical manifestation of intimate love — a physical expression of genuine, heartfelt love and admiration. Sex can be one of the most sacred unions between two people. Sex complements relationships that are built on trust, integrity, respect and shared moral values.

And sex can also complicate. Love is often described as a chemical reaction between two people. Our body’s experience a range of physiological reactions when we interact with someone we are physically attracted to — visual, auditory, olfactory, tactile and neurochemical. Sex, and even the idea of having sex with a particular person, quite literally changes us; and it changes our perception of our mate. Our bodies are designed to procreate and the chemical and hormonal shifts that occur when we have sex give us pleasurable feedback — nature wants us to do it again, as this ensures the survival of our species.

Sex can complicate a relationship when two people choose to engage in the activity before they really know each other. Sex, and the pleasurable neurochemical and hormonal experiences that occur as a result, can form what may feel like an addiction to the other person — we want more. You may miss your lover when he is gone. You may feel an ache in your belly in his absence. The mere scent she left on your bed sheets may make you wild with desire. The sound of her voice may increase your heart rate. A text message might bring a rush of adrenaline. Sex may bring a need and desire for a particular person that may not be consistent with your true life goals, your true life desires, or even you moral or spiritual values. Sex can complicate because physical desire has the tendency to override our intellectual processes. Quite simply, sex is often the precursor to very bad relationship decision-making — decisions that probably felt very right in the moment (just before or after sex).

So, how do we shift from a life of “it’s complicated” to a life of “we complement”? We wait. Wait until we know the other person. What until you see how he behaves when angry. Wait until you know whether her moral code is similar to your own moral code. Wait to see whether the two of you share common goals, values, opinions on religions, politics and family. Wait and see. And when the person proves to be a partner in your life, someone who has proven to trustworthy, someone whose friendship is dear, someone you are truly endeared to, then your chemical connection will complement your relationship. And, if that person has not withstood the test of time, chances are you have saved yourself years of complication.

Denise Humphrey, Ph.D

Schedule an appointment with Dr. Humphrey today! 972-239-2490

CREDENTIALS
•    Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology:  Fielding Graduate University
•    Master of Music in Piano Performance:  University of Notre Dame
•    Bachelor of Music in Piano Performance:  Southern Methodist University
•    License No. and State: 32345 Texas
•    Board of Trustees, Dallas Foundation for Psychoanalysis
•    Chair, Arts Committee for the Dallas Society for Psychoanalytic Psychology
•    Member, National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology

Tips for Creating Healthy Relationships

By Denise Humphrey, Ph.D., www.DeniseHumphrey.com

One of the core desires of most humans is to have long-term, committed, happy and healthy intimate relationships. Most of us truly desire partnership and intimacy. We want feel appreciated and understood. By practicing the following tips, you and your partner can begin to discover the keys to successful, healthy relationships.

Tips for Creating Healthy Relationships

• Be cooperative. Adopting a cooperative mindset does not mean agreeing to never disagree, but rather choosing to be cooperative when disagreements occur. Rather than thinking a problem is you against your partner, think about the problem in terms of, “It is us against the problem.” In other words, remember that you and your partner are on the same team. Together you care trying to determine a solution to the problem, which is very different than trying to determine who is right.
• Effectively express negative feelings. It is perfectly normal to have a negative feeling about something another person has said or done. However, couples in healthy relationships understand how to express these feelings without negatively affecting the relationship. The goal to effectively expressing negative feelings is to not put the other person on the defense. When we go on the defense, it becomes much more difficult to separate the behavior from the person doing the behavior. Rather than making accusations or demands, discuss with your partner how the particular action makes you feel. This allows him or her to address your feelings as opposed to feeling attacked for his/her actions. 
• Spend time together & communicate. All relationships need quality time together and heartfelt communications. Make a point to spend time with your partner regularly and actively engage in conversation. This demonstrates to each other that you both care about the other and you care about the relationship. Make time together a priority.
• Allow space in the relationship. There is a fine line between spending quality time together and suffocating each other. Healthy relationships need both, quality time spent together and quality time spent alone. In order to give our best to those we love, we must also give our best to ourselves. Allow your relationship to have enough space to care for your individual needs as well as the needs of each other. 
• Engage in couples therapy. Even the best of relationships can benefit from couples counseling. Couples counseling provides a safe space to discuss the challenges couples face. A therapist ensures that the conversation is objective and fair and guides the conversation so that each individual is able to express him/herself and helps the other party truly listen. This can be a tremendously rewarding experience for both individuals in the relationship.

Denise Humphrey, Ph.D

Schedule an appointment with Dr. Humphrey today! 972-239-2490

CREDENTIALS
•    Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology:  Fielding Graduate University
•    Master of Music in Piano Performance:  University of Notre Dame
•    Bachelor of Music in Piano Performance:  Southern Methodist University
•    License No. and State: 32345 Texas
•    Board of Trustees, Dallas Foundation for Psychoanalysis
•    Chair, Arts Committee for the Dallas Society for Psychoanalytic Psychology
•    Member, National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology

5 Tips for Being More Optimistic

By Denise Humphrey, Ph.D., www.DeniseHumphrey.com

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. While this old adage may seem oversimplified for people facing serious life challenges, there is great truth to the saying. There are many things we cannot control in life, but the mindset we have, the perspective we choose, and the attitude we adopt are all within our control. Research indicates that optimism not only positively affects how we adjust to life circumstances, it also improves physical and mental wellness.

Keep the following tips in mind as you navigate through the small annoyances of  life, as well as the big challenges. Notice how you feel and think about how the outcome may have been different if you had chosen a more pessimistic view of the situation. 

5 Tips for Being More Optimistic

1. Reframe the situation. When presented with a situation that triggers panic, alarm, fear or any other negative emotion, reframe the situation and see how you may view it differently. For example, someone who is experiencing layoffs at work may feel panicked that his or her job is also at risk for being cut. Maybe so, but instead of getting caught up in the fear, realize that new opportunities are also available can be very exciting. Change can be hard, but it can also be good.
2. Take control of the situation. There are few feelings more debilitating than feeling powerless. Rarely, however, are we truly powerless. When unpleasant situations occur, rather than adapt a “victim” mentality consider how your own actions (or in actions) may have contributed to the undesirable circumstance. Then, take action. Assume control of your life, and remove yourself from the undesirable situation. Choose action and know you are capable of creating the life you desire. 
3. Know what makes you happy. Pay attention  to your emotions and become aware of what brings on a happy feeling. When you feel good, make a conscious effort to understand why you feel good. Once you know what makes you happy, you can create more opportunities for having that experience. The even better news is that simply remembering what makes us happy can have the same effect. You don’t have to go buy flowers, remembering the flowers you received the week before may do the trick.  
4. Make real connections. As humans, we crave relationships with substance. Small talk can be fun and appropriate at social gatherings or professional networking events, but substantial, meaningful conversations and relationships are what bring a sense of fulfillment to our lives. Make a point to frequently connect with those you love, admire or just simply enjoy.
5. Make lemonade. If you feel like you have a basketful of lemons, now is the time to start making lemonade! Whether through talk therapy or through journaling, systematically evaluate your perspective on the situations in your life that are sources of stress or sadness. Determine how you may view the situations differently. Develop a plan of action, and then take action. Lemonade is always an option!

Denise Humphrey, Ph.D
Schedule an appointment with Dr. Humphrey today! 972-239-2490

CREDENTIALS
•    Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology:  Fielding Graduate University
•    Master of Music in Piano Performance:  University of Notre Dame
•    Bachelor of Music in Piano Performance:  Southern Methodist University
•    License No. and State: 32345 Texas
•    Board of Trustees, Dallas Foundation for Psychoanalysis
•    Chair, Arts Committee for the Dallas Society for Psychoanalytic Psychology
•    Member, National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology

Therapeutic Benefits of Journaling

By Denise Humphrey, Ph.D., www.DeniseHumphrey.com

Like talk therapy, journal and/or diary writing provides a safe, unbiased space for a person to express emotions openly and honestly. Journaling is a very useful tool for expressing grief and sorrow and can be tremendously helpful in assisting people through difficult and painful life experiences. Through journaling, we are are ble to get in touch with our deepest desires and explore our deepest pains. We can find resolutions to challenging problems, and painful emotions such as grief, sadness, fear, isolation, etc. can all be expressed in a private, yet therapeutic, format.

The exercise of writing is the most important component of journaling. Many people never turn back one page to re-read a single written word. It is the process that is therapeutic rather than the actual content.

Journaling is an excellent method of connecting with God, the Divine, a higher self or whatever higher power a person resonates with. The rhythm of writing and the flow of moving our thoughts from our consciousness to written expression quiets the mind and allows us to hear the answers to our questions. Much like meditation, journaling is an exercise in expressing and then listening.

The process of journaling can assist in the talk therapy process. Much of the work done in therapy can continue throughout the week in the journaling process. In order to get the most from your journaling experience, keep the following tips in mind: ignore grammatical errors and/or rules; do not reread the writing unless doing so is therapeutically helpful; express your most honest and raw emotions as freely as you can; keep your journal private — these are your sacred and most private thoughts.

Denise Humphrey, Ph.D
Schedule an appointment with Dr. Humphrey today! 972-239-2490

CREDENTIALS
•    Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology:  Fielding Graduate University
•    Master of Music in Piano Performance:  University of Notre Dame
•    Bachelor of Music in Piano Performance:  Southern Methodist University
•    License No. and State: 32345 Texas
•    Board of Trustees, Dallas Foundation for Psychoanalysis
•    Chair, Arts Committee for the Dallas Society for Psychoanalytic Psychology
•    Member, National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology

Understanding Sex Addiction

By Denise Humphrey, Ph.D., www.DeniseHumphrey.com

There has been a lot talk about sex addiction in the news lately — most notably Jesse James and Tiger Woods. What is sex addiction really? Is it a real “disorder” or is it a label men (or women) assume to excuse behavior many people consider inexcusable?

By the standards set for by the American Medical Association, “sex addiction” is not considered a disease. In the simplest terms, sexual addiction is understood as a continuing pattern of compulsive sexual behavior that negatively affects an individual’s personal, social and often economic standing. Behaviors are considered dysfunctional when they interfere with a person’s life. A “continuing pattern” is best understood as an ongoing series of sexual behaviors that include a preoccupation with and the planning of those behaviors. In other words, the sexually addicted person, like all addicts, spends a majority of his or her day contemplating and strategizing how and when to get the next fix. In order for a preoccupation with sex to actually be considered an addiction, the person must have at some point experienced the desire to stop the behavior only to find that the desire was greater than what he or she could control.

Addictions of any kind bring great consequences and pain to the addicted individual as well as to the people who support and love the addicted person. However, sexual addiction brings its own unique emotional torment. Feelings of betrayal, distrust, fear of disease, humiliation, feelings of low self-worth are all only a few of the emotions and feelings a person who has been involved with a sexual addict may feel. The “victims” of the sexual addict may feel as though they were used and that their own feelings were completely disregarded as a means for the addicted person to get a fix. This may or may not be true. The addicted individual still has the same types of sincere feelings, thoughts and emotional needs that are common to all human beings. The sexually addicted person, for whatever reasons, has learned to manage his or her emotions through sexual activity. Just as other addicts manage emotions with food, smoking, spending money, drinking alcohol or taking drugs, sexual addicts use sexual thoughts and behavior to manage their emotions.

Sexual addicts get a quick release from stress and emotional confusion or anxiety, but the behavior has obvious and far-reaching consequences creating added stress in the person’s life, and therefore an added need for sexual behavior to manage the additional stress. The vicious cycle is obvious.

Like all addicts, sexual addicts can get treatment and can be “reformed.” The damage created to the relationships in the lives of these people are not always able to be healed. While it is easy to pass these people off as monsters with no conscious and a lack of concern for the pain and suffering they cause, the reality is they have real addictions that require therapy for recovery. Like with any addiction, a commitment to recovery and a desire for ending the destructive behavior is paramount to implementing lasting change. Sex addicts should get professional treatment and remain in treatment for life. Just as the desire for alcohol or the desire for cigarettes does not go away with abstinence, neither does the desire for sex. The emotions related to those desires must be addressed, understood and dealt with, which often requires a lifelong commitment to recovery.

Denise Humphrey, Ph.D
Schedule an appointment with Dr. Humphrey today! 972-239-2490

CREDENTIALS
•    Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology:  Fielding Graduate University
•    Master of Music in Piano Performance:  University of Notre Dame
•    Bachelor of Music in Piano Performance:  Southern Methodist University
•    License No. and State: 32345 Texas
•    Board of Trustees, Dallas Foundation for Psychoanalysis
•    Chair, Arts Committee for the Dallas Society for Psychoanalytic Psychology
•    Member, National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology

Trust Your Gut

By Denise Humphrey, Ph.D., www.DeniseHumphrey.com

As a therapist who specializes in relationship therapy, I have counseled many couples who have struggled with infidelity in the relationship or perhaps one person in the relationship suspects adultery. An article in Psychology Today explains, “Intuitions, or gut feelings, are sudden, strong judgments whose origin we can’t immediately explain. Although they seem to emerge from an obscure inner force, they actually begin with a perception of something outside—a facial expression, a tone of voice, a visual inconsistency so fleeting you’re not even aware you noticed.”

Gut feelings are the body’s physical manifestation of rapid cognition or a condensed reasoning process. Our brains trigger connections and send messages and the gut says, “Yes, I got that!” Scientists now understand that the brain is able to assess a situation, quickly scan stored data (whether that be fact based data, emotionally based data or some other sensory processing data) and then send messages to the body. The gut may communicate excitement, nervousness, sense of dread or a feeling of sickness based on information that may be detrimental to your currently held perception of safety and security.

What I have learned in my practice is that when infidelity is present, most individuals had a gut feeling they chose to ignore because it conflicted with what the person was being told by his or her partner and/or what that person wanted to believe to be the truth.

Gut feelings should be honored, and the situation surrounding what caused that gut feeling to arise, she be examined. While it is certainly possible that a gut feeling can be wrong, the reality is they rarely are.

Denise Humphrey, Ph.D
Schedule an appointment with Dr. Humphrey today! 972-239-2490

CREDENTIALS
•    Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology:  Fielding Graduate University
•    Master of Music in Piano Performance:  University of Notre Dame
•    Bachelor of Music in Piano Performance:  Southern Methodist University
•    License No. and State: 32345 Texas
•    Board of Trustees, Dallas Foundation for Psychoanalysis
•    Chair, Arts Committee for the Dallas Society for Psychoanalytic Psychology
•    Member, National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology

Does Your Relationship Need a Pick-Me-Upper?

By Denise Humphrey, Ph.D., www.DeniseHumphrey.com

Many couples complain about the lack of affection and intimacy in their relationship. All too often couples allow the everyday chaos and stress of life to interfere with “couple time.” With work, carpool, grocery shopping, home maintenance, cleaning and all the other mundane and necessary items on the weekly to-do list, it can be very easy to let the time with your spouse or significant other get cut from the schedule. The reality is that quality couple’s time is the last item that should be cut.

Relationships are hard and marriage is even harder. Couples need consistent quality time together in order to develop and maintain the strong bond that will see them through life’s more challenging times.

Easy Relationship Pick-Me-Uppers

• Set a weekly date night. Planned, scheduled dates every week are an essential component to maintaining and strengthening the bond between two people. Make a commitment to each that barring unforeseen emergencies, date night is set in stone and is not up for canceling. Demonstrate to one another that your commitment to one is paramount to any other obligation.
• Set a weekly sex date. Make a point to have sex at least once a week. Decide each week when and where you want to be intimate, and allow the anticipation of the event to fun and exciting. Send each other messages throughout the day or week communicating your anticipation.
• Send special notes to one another. Cards, notes, emails, text messages, sweet notes on the mirror and any other written expression of love are wonderful ways to stay connected. Written expressions of love give your spouse a precious token to cherish long after the notes are given.
  

Denise Humphrey, Ph.D
Schedule an appointment with Dr. Humphrey today! 972-239-2490

CREDENTIALS
•    Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology:  Fielding Graduate University
•    Master of Music in Piano Performance:  University of Notre Dame
•    Bachelor of Music in Piano Performance:  Southern Methodist University
•    License No. and State: 32345 Texas
•    Board of Trustees, Dallas Foundation for Psychoanalysis
•    Chair, Arts Committee for the Dallas Society for Psychoanalytic Psychology
•    Member, National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology

Is It Time to End Your Relationship?

By Denise Humphrey, Ph.D., www.DeniseHumphrey.com

Relationships are hard, but most things in life that are valuable and worth having do not come easily. We often invest years of our lives getting to know someone, loving someone and working towards building a lifelong relationship. And yet, sometimes, regardless of how much we want it or are willing we are to work to save it, relationships just do not work out. How do you know when it is time to move on? The following questions may help you determine if it is time to end your current relationship.

Have your wants and needs changed since you first became involved with your partner? Life is a journey that takes unexpected dips and turns. New experiences, people and beliefs often show up unexpectedly that change who we are and what we want in life. Have your core wants and desires shifted since you became involved with your partner?

Are you in a healthy relationship? Physically? Emotionally? Spiritually? Sexually? You should be able to communicate honestly and openly about the health of your relationship. If either person in a relationship is inflicting pain or harm in any of the above areas, this is an indication that the relationship is not healthy.

What does your future together look like? A healthy relationship has a shared view of the future outcome. Whether it is a shared view of marriage or a shared view of a longterm commitment without marriage — both individuals should be on the same path.

Do you truly enjoy each other’s company? Notice how you feel when you are about to see or speak to your partner. Are you excited or do you dread it? Our intimate relationships should be our closest. This person should be one of, if not, your dearest friend.

What is the level of reciprocity? Relationships are a partnership that require both individuals to give equally in the care and nurturing of it. This is not to say that we are to keep scores in terms of who takes the trash out more often, but rather that we should be cognizant that each person is giving and taking from the relationship in equal measure.

Are your partner’s actions indicative of a loving relationship? Are yours? Actions speak louder than words. Regardless of how often you and/or your partner say “I love you,” do your actions, and do your partner’s, indicate or express love?

Do you feel accepted and appreciated? If the answer is no, have you expressed this desire for appreciation to your partner? Did anything change?

We all engage in relationships for different reasons. Understanding what motivated your romantic involvement and determining if that reason still holds weight — or if new reasons have emerged for staying — can be a guide for whether or not the relationship itself should remain intact. Engaging the guidance of a professional therapist can be very helpful to one or both individuals in a relationship when faced with the question of whether or not to move on.

Denise Humphrey, Ph.D
Schedule an appointment with Dr. Humphrey today! 972-239-2490

CREDENTIALS
•    Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology:  Fielding Graduate University
•    Master of Music in Piano Performance:  University of Notre Dame
•    Bachelor of Music in Piano Performance:  Southern Methodist University
•    License No. and State: 32345 Texas
•    Board of Trustees, Dallas Foundation for Psychoanalysis
•    Chair, Arts Committee for the Dallas Society for Psychoanalytic Psychology
•    Member, National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology

Are You Ready for Adoption?

By Denise Humphrey, Ph.D., www.DeniseHumphrey.com

For many people, although certainly not all, the choice to adopt a child is the result of many emotional and unsuccessful attempts at pregnancy. A person’s desire, or perhaps even need, to adopt a child is based on a vast range of complicated emotions. “Emotional readiness” refers to an individual’s readiness to begin seriously exploring adoption. Once an individual becomes emotionally ready to adopt, a whole host of considerations need to be addressed.

Important Considerations for Adopting

• Spousal support. Before adopting, I recommend seeking marital counseling to discuss the issue of adoption specifically. One spouse may be more “on board” with the idea than the other but hesitant to discuss his or her concerns to the spouse who is very ready for adoption. Counseling allows the couple to have an open dialogue in a safe and objective environment. 
• Lifestyle adjustments. Any baby, adoption or pregnancy, brings a radical shift in lifestyle for the parents-to-be. The difference with adoption is in how the individual or couple prepares for the new arrival. Pregnancy has a clear-cut time line, which allows the new parents to plan accordingly. Adoption can take years and when the good news comes there is rarely much preparation time. Engaging in ongoing therapy throughout the adoption process is a very helpful resource for navigating the emotional storms of this challenging process.
• Financial resources. Adoption is not an inexpensive process. I encourage my clients to seriously look at the cost of the adoption process as well as the cost of raising the child and determine if it is financially possible.

All of the above considerations have very real and long-lasting effects. Carefully considering every nuance of this process together with a therapist will enhance the enjoyably aspects of the process and provide beneficial resources for dealing with the challenging aspects.

Denise Humphrey, Ph.D
Schedule an appointment with Dr. Humphrey today! 972-239-2490

CREDENTIALS
•    Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology:  Fielding Graduate University
•    Master of Music in Piano Performance:  University of Notre Dame
•    Bachelor of Music in Piano Performance:  Southern Methodist University
•    License No. and State: 32345 Texas
•    Board of Trustees, Dallas Foundation for Psychoanalysis
•    Chair, Arts Committee for the Dallas Society for Psychoanalytic Psychology
•    Member, National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology

Tips for Getting to Your Comfort Place

By Denise Humphrey, Ph.D., www.DeniseHumphrey.com

Our “comfort place” is a state mind — a state in which we experience calm, safety and of course comfort. When we get into our comfort place, our bodies experience relaxation and peace. The stress, chaos and noise of the day is quieted and we are able to focus on ourselves — our feelings, our thoughts, our physical bodies. Our comfort place can be anywhere: home, church, a busy subway, a plane, the bath. The following are several tips for achieving your comfort place. If you have additional ideas, I would love to here them! Just reply to this blog.

Tips for Getting to Your Comfort Place

1. Morning Meditation. Cortisol, the stress hormone, is at its highest in the morning. Start your day with a 12-minute morning meditation to assist your body in lowering your cortisol level. Don’t be turned off by the idea of meditation. This does not require fancy chants or oms, but rather 12 minutes of silence. You may allow your thoughts to wander, or you may choose to have no thoughts. The idea is to start your day enjoying peace and quiet. You may want to sit outside and listen to nature while you sip a cup of tea.
2. Silence the Noise. Rather than listening to the radio or television while going about your household chores or driving in the car, listen to yourself. Turn off exterior sounds and stimulation and accomplish your work in silence. When our brain is not tasked with processing exterior stimuli, we are able to listen to our own intuition. While physically conducting mindless or rote work, we are able to get into a comfortable zone where nagging problems or emotional conflicts become clear and the solutions become obvious. 
3. Take a Hike. Whether it is a stroll through the neighborhood or a literal hike in nature, simply being outside and enjoying the sounds of nature (not the sound of the iPod) allows us to feel connected and at peace. 
4. Take a Technology Break. Schedule time each day (even 30 minutes) to take a break from the telephone, instant messaging, and e-mails (and any other noisy and stimulating devices) and enjoy silence. Go about whatever task you are doing, but simply enjoy that task in silence. If you do this everyday, you will find yourself looking forward to your daily technology break.

Denise Humphrey, Ph.D
Schedule an appointment with Dr. Humphrey today! 972-239-2490

CREDENTIALS
•    Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology:  Fielding Graduate University
•    Master of Music in Piano Performance:  University of Notre Dame
•    Bachelor of Music in Piano Performance:  Southern Methodist University
•    License No. and State: 32345 Texas
•    Board of Trustees, Dallas Foundation for Psychoanalysis
•    Chair, Arts Committee for the Dallas Society for Psychoanalytic Psychology
•    Member, National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology

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